Last Saturday was the Salt Lake Marathon. As the participants run past our house, they are a little over 7 miles into their 26 mile journey. This is the first time in several years I've been home to watch them. The first time they ran past our house, we created what we called a Marathon CD of inspirational/energetic music to play for the runners. It was so much fun to see people react to the Rocky Theme or Hawaii 5-0. It was even worth getting up early on a Saturday because it made so many people happy. Especially the people at the end (including one guy on crutches) who already seemed beat. Unfortunately, we lost the CD this year. My mom ended up playing Vertigo by U2 about 20 times. Good Morning, Captain.
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| SLC Marathon Runners on 2000 East (file photo) |
All of that was introduction for what I really wanted to say:
My life this semester has been a marathon to survive. It has been the most challenging 4 months of my life. (So far.) I feel like I am always running uphill and I haven't seen the view yet or felt the relief of crossing the finish line. But amidst the struggle, I have had a few refreshing water breaks, some necessary moments of walking, and several people playing music for me along the way.
The race I am running is Student teaching. I thought I was going to be a great teacher; coming from USU, everyone told me I was going to be great. But alas, they can say all they want. It doesn't mean it is true.
Maybe I was too self-confident. Maybe watching my Dad go through Chemotherapy (like trying to run with ankle weights) was more than I could handle. Maybe a person cannot handle so much negative input and criticism and still come out positive and successful. But whatever. And you think "But you're almost done, right?" Wrong. For the first time I can remember, I failed. I actually
FAILED
(as in F--, not my normal "oh no I didn't get 100%!" -type of failing)
This means I have to do another 7-week block of student teaching. Imagine finally getting to the end of a marathon and being so exhausted you just want to sleep or cry. Then you are told, "The first half wasn't really good enough so you have to do it over again." That is kind of how I feel.
In addition to failing for the first time, I have experienced many other 'firsts' this semester. Some bad, some good:
-I went on my first real date (whether it was labelled as such or not) and it was awesome!
-I lived at home during school for the first time since high school.
-I took an institute class at the Salt Lake Institute for the first time ever. Yay for Mission Prep!
-I didn't live with my roommates for the first time since I met them. (sad face)
-I had season tickets to the Utah Symphony with my mom for the first time. They really are talented people.
-I cried in front of my students for the first time. And my supervisor. And my cooperating teacher. (I'm a cry-er, what can I say?)
-I saw The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly and "The Scarlet Pimpernel: The Musical" and Chase 2010 for the first time. All great, by the way.
-I went to the Color's Festival for the first time. And in the same trip, got a flat tire on the freeway for the first time.
The biggest problem of this semester was that I spent so much time trying to be what other people wanted me to be, I forgot who I was. Am. In the scramble to find music for the runners, I rediscovered the song "Concrete Bed" by Nada Surf:
"To find someone you love, you gotta be someone you love."
Now, I'm not looking for someone to love, but I realized a few weeks ago that I don't love who I am right now. I don't like being a mean teacher. I don't like failing. I don't like focusing on my own problems so much that I can't see others' needs. I don't like not being there to help my friends. I don't like being unprepared or unaware of the positive things.
That is why God gave us friends and family to help us change. I would be a squashed piece of roadkill without my tremendous and infectiously optimistic friends, my mother and her incredible wisdom, my helpful and most favorite cousin-sister-roommate, my amazing ward family, and the truth of the gospel. I don't know how people live without the gospel! I can't wait to share it with them. Serving a mission, albeit occasionally distracting, has been the prize at the end of the race for me. It is there, waiting for me to get through all of this preparation. I may have to post-pone leaving while I finish student teaching, but I know it is for the best. And I have already started my papers. I couldn't be happier!
Isaiah 40:31 "But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not be faint."
P.S. Everyone should have something to look forward to; something awesome in the near future to get you through the hard, slow times. I'm taking my own advice and going on a Senior Trip! I'm so excited for May!
